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Forget His Name

When I chose to leave one lover

I was in no rush to go find another.

This was the time to choose me

Not to let my life be all about

Some other fish in the sea

But that’s just me giving my two cents.

Walking these same halls for

the past three years,

Do I really have to climb up four flights of stairs?

I’m five minutes early

This never happens

Walk in the bathroom

Look in the mirror

Wow, my hair looks so dirty

Ugh, why did I choose a 6 o’clock class

I actually really do have to pee

Seven stalls and none of them are available

The world has it out for me

I relieve myself with still a minute to spare

Walk in and notice about eight rows of tables

But there’s only nine students

Where is everybody?

Turns out the Professor is running ten minutes late

It’s only the First day of psychology

Maybe this is apart of the lesson plan

I receive a call

It’s my mom

I walk outside

I answer

I glance over my shoulder

a Buick sedan pulls up

His Buick sedan

The world really is out to get me

I remember when twelve-year-old me

celebrated that love was right around the corner

instead I learned the lesson of looking over my shoulder.

Had my first kiss at thirteen

in the middle of a splash pad

at the beach

it was so romantic

He was dared to do it

I was unaware

He was the hero

I was the hoe

And now unavailable

It was a set up

to keep me away from the boy I kissed

when I was fourteen, and again at fifteen,

sixteen got a little sneaky,

seventeen got a little steamy,

eighteen got a little shakey,

And at nineteen I met Him. 

Wanted to start fresh when I turned twenty,

leave the past decade behind

and look forward to the next

“Hi, my name is…”

look forward to the…

“my name is”

look forward to…

“name is”

look forward!!!

His beautiful, Bold, Biblical, and now Bitter name.

I never want to hear, see, feel,

or be anywhere near it ever again.

Can’t say I’ve ever been in love

but I could’ve loved this one.

Could’ve let him be the one.

Should’ve let him be the one.

But if I DO,

I will forget.

Forget who I am and what I stand for.

I will forget the warning signs and to not be vulnerable

only to be left crying on the floor

I will forget why I should’ve just walked out the door.

He won’t catch me,  won’t hold me,

won’t reassure me, he’ll neglect me.

He won’t protect, defend me,

love me,

he will leave me. 

Then,

He’ll remind me to never forget.

Never forget that love no longer exists.

Never forget that My name can never weigh as much as his.

His Beautiful, Bold, Biblical

and now Bitter name.

Twenty-one, this rounds on me.

I said that about twenty-two times.

Woke up the next morning and forgot his name.

I walk back through the same halls,

find my class,

look for an empty row,

sit in the chair farthest away from the others

Then he walked in.

Beautiful, Bold, Biblical,

and he’s looking right at me.

Walking towards me,

and now past me,

taking the seat right behind me.

“Hi, my name is…”

I walked out the door. 

• Kaylee America

I saved the writing to the end of the poem to allow you to read it first without giving you any background. Once you have read the background I also encourage you to read the poem again. I have published this poem before, but I have revised it to be more to my liking.

My first draft of this poem took a more aggressive approach and honestly one more driven by world perceptions than just reality and just calling it what it is. The poem was previously about heartbreak and villainizing the guy and putting all the blame on Them and not looking out our own self-sabotaging behaviors. I felt like a hypocrite writing this poem the first time around, when I know I played a huge part in many of my relationships not working out. Growing up as an athlete, image meant a lot to me. Perfecting that image was the daily goal. Becoming flawless and if not achievable then learning ways to hide all the flaws or to paint the flaws as strengths.

“I don’t get too emotionally involved”

“I fear commitment”

“My work comes first before everything”

“I don’t have time to get to know people on a deeper level”

These things I’d say and I knew them to be flaws but I would say them because it was good for my image. My ‘relentless athlete who was striving for perfection and was never satisfied’ image. It would show that tunnel vision focus. It would show determination. Motivation. And all of the above.

Growing up I had a nickname that was given to me by some of my coaches and that was “Robot”. I never talked about it or how I felt about it at the time, just admitting it brings back all the bottled up emotions because I know I was given that nickname because I did everything as I was told. My coach would joke and would act as if they were controlling me with a joystick remote. I was a coach’s dream because I never protested or challenged any philosophy I was being taught. I bought in without hesitation and did everything as I was told. When I was told to have a mind of my own or asked my opinion on things it seemed almost as if I was malfunctioning. As an athlete I was taught to stay in line and the more you give up to dedicate towards being an athlete the better you’ll be, and that is all I wanted and did.

I was an athlete for so many years, and it was great until I wasn’t anymore. Then I realized that all I was, was just an athlete. I didn’t get to know the people around me beyond a superficial level. I didn’t do anything for my community. I didn’t work on raising up and being a role model for the next generation. I didn’t have many friends, and I didn’t even work to keep the friends I did make. I didn’t get into any romantic relationships and only messed around with guys who were just as emotionally unavailable as I was. I didn’t see or make an effort to spend time with family, outside of the ones I lived with. I considered it all distractions and an opportunity to tarnish my perfect athletic image. It was heartbreaking, and it’s still heartbreaking to think that was me for so long. I was an athlete, and that was all. A great athlete, sure, I hoped for how much I sacrificed, but at what expense? I loved my sport and all the sports I played, I still do. It is a big part of who I am, but I oftentimes, especially now, wonder what other parts of me could have been explored had I embraced people into my life instead of pushing them away.

For the past two years I have been attacking and breaking down that fear of mine of allowing people to see me and get to know and possibly build a relationship. I am so tired of being afraid and letting that fear control my life. I am ready to allow people to see that I am in fact not perfect and very flawed. Get to know that I am terrified of being seen. Taken advantage of. Not good enough. Giving my all and it being used against me later. That I am still recovering from what cancer did to me. to my family. to my friends. loved ones. the world. That I am no near where I want my relationship with God to be, but I want it. I want to build the relationship, invest in it, cherish it, nourish it, grow in it, rejoice in it, find comfort in it, wisdom and knowledge in it, stability in it, strength in it, purpose in it, meaning in it, healing in it, patience in it, forgiveness in it, protection in it, peace in it, and love in it. I want that with my family. for my family. my friends. loved ones. the world.

And YOU!

When I first wrote “Forget His Name” I was early in my poetry stage and learning the ropes. I kept writing about the same stupid narrative and a narrative that wasn’t me anymore. Wasn’t what I stood for anymore. I kept writing about life as if I hadn’t put in the work to truly heal as if I hadn’t gone through the most traumatising years of my life. All to make the rhyme schemes work. To play with the numbers throughout the poem. To make something fun. Not Real.

This poem is a self-reflection of myself looking back at the girl I used to be. As much as I blame them and have blamed them. I was the girl who gave them importance and placed them ahead of myself. I let the wrong ones get too far and never gave a chance for the right one to come along. Once I took accountability and charge in my life everything changed and undoubtedly for the better, and I am not going to lie it was a scary and tough experience. But I mean in the past couple years I’ve had to face my parents divorce, family members with cancer, myself with cancer, career-ending surgery, and so many other things all before the age of twenty-two. So I’d would say I am a pretty scary chick. And with the strength and armour of Jesus Christ. So I embraced that hard and took it one day at a time. It’s all you can ever do really. No complaining, No blaming, No arguing.

I hope you all like this poem and fall in love with it the way I did re-making it. I thrive in story-telling and love incorporating anyway I can in my writing, and this poem is definitely now ranking as one of my favorites for how well each part and scene worked together. There is flashbacks, important and transitional number placements, characters, imagery, dialogue, playful punctuations, and so much more. The original of this piece took me a day and really more an hour at home snowed in to complete and the revision took weeks and many workshops to even come close to something I was ready to share with the world.

With that I leave you with the question to ponder on and possibly journal to yourself is- What in your life currently would you “walk out the door” (Choose Yourself) for? How do you think it would affect your life?

Until next time…

Xoxo,

Kroddyrich 💋