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Wow… This is a heavy topic to unpack. I kind of started talking about this in my Friday post about being young and forgiving yourself for your past and not letting it define who you are now. It actually turned out to be one of my favorite posts and I even extend the invite to you gentlemen to check it out.

I officially put myself on track for a minor in writing and am in a creative writing workshop course this semester. There was a pre-course survey to take for the class. Which was just so the professor can get to know his students better and what kind of writing interests them. One of the questions did have me stumped for hours though. “What book/film/art had a big impact on you recently? Expand on your answer.” It seemed really simple at first, but that word impact was throwing me off. I thought about a book I read recently and all I could think of was Colleen Hoover, but her books don’t exactly have an impact on me. Then, Breakfast at Tiffany’s was an answer I thought to be pretty good and I did love the movie and believed there was a lot I could talk about, but nothing that would have to do with my life. Right then and there, the answer was as clear as day. The Bible. A book that impacts my life every single day. I could open it up to any page and spend an entire day on it. Read it over and over again and uncover a new lesson, a new meaning every single time.

Forgiveness is something I am currently working on, and by currently I really do mean this very second. So my intention with opening up my bible now is learning how to forgive, consistently and wholeheartedly. During my time in treatment, I worked a lot on forgiving myself. I believed I deserved everything that happened to me and that I wasn’t worth being forgiven. Forgiving yourself is probably the first hardest thing to do. The second would be once you have forgiven yourself, forgive others for having ever made you feel like you can never be forgiven. Like I said, this is a heavy topic to unpack but it is also one of the most important and beneficial for others and for yourself.

So here it goes…

I am not sure if this was due to growing up in sports or being an older sibling, but accountability came naturally to me. I blamed myself for every single thing that went wrong. Giving myself grace was something I always had to work at. Taking credit and accepting compliments just made me feel uncomfortable. Many would call me humble for this, but I knew what it was all along. Messed up. Wayyyy messed up. I figured out it was messed up when I realized I was more willing to stand in the line of fire than in a room of cheering and applause. I didn’t value myself for just being me. I was never satisfied with just being me. I was always chasing more and more and more. I didn’t think I deserved to be cheered for and supported and I put others on pedestals before I even thought to put myself.

I start the post off this way to show you that the very first thing, before you can even forgive yourself, you have to, HAVE to, HAVE TO value yourself. To love yourself for all that you are. Once you begin to feel so much for that person you see in the mirror, you can learn to forgive them as well.

When I got sick, I went into treatment with the previous mentality. I blamed myself for all that was happening to me. I fell into a terrible depression because I saw how much pain and sorrow I caused my family. I believed myself to be a horrible person: an inconsiderate daughter, an unsupportive sister, a selfish friend, a “hoe,” a dumb blonde, an average athlete, and I thought it all to be true. I was convinced I was so far gone that there was no way I could even begin to ask God for forgiveness. Then I got to reading the Bible. I was looking for hope, and instead, I found myself. Learning about God, I was starting to learn about myself, and then things just started adding up for me, such as how we are made in His image. How could I have ever viewed myself at the lowest of lows when I am legitimately made in the image of God? When I look in the mirror, I see God. When I look at the things I have done, I see God trying to work through me. I was running away from myself, but really I was running away from God, and because of Jesus, I can be forgiven. Talk about what an impact–the Bible changed my life. The Bible gave me life and a life worth living every single day.

In the second half of my treatment, I was consistently challenging myself to forgive myself for my past and intentionally work on not being better, but just being myself. Only God can judge me, nobody else. This opened up horizons for me, but then I entered an entirely new ball game: forgiving others. In theory, this sounds like the easiest thing to do, especially after learning the things the Bible covers on forgiveness. “Forgive others the way God forgave you… Just as I have loved you, you shall love one another…Repay no one evil with evil…” You see it is all over, and it all makes sense and ensures you the very keys to continue living a peaceful life. This may be the most straightforward thing to do with some, but what about those who hurt you beyond compare. You have finally conquered the first hard step of forgiveness and you have forgiven yourself. You love who you are and value yourself the same way God does. You begin to see people’s colors around you crystal clear at this point, how much you allowed people to belittle you and say such hurtful things or treat you with such disrespect. There is only one way to go about it, and this may not be what you want to hear, but it is for your own good. Stop waiting on an apology put aside your feelings and your ego, things you can control, and you forgive. Holding onto grudges and seeking revenge for everyone who has done you wrong is going to accomplish nothing. You have come so far, you have gone through so much to start going backwards.

I consider this to be a letter to myself so please do not think for a second that you are the last person to figure this all out because in reality we all are. I challenge you to forgive yourself today and forgive someone new in your life every day that follows and take notice how much more at peace you are. God bless you all and have a wonderful week!

Xoxo,

Kroddyrich💋